The other wonderful news is that our friend Paul (serious DIYer and owner of several flips) came by and fixed our main water shutoff valve issue as well as our washing machine shutoff valve issue. What was the answer? A tool! Hooray for tools! Hooray for evolution! It was called a channel lock and it basically just allowed the valves to be closed all the way (hand tightening would not do it). So hooray! No plumber!
The rest of today was spent moving crap. We have one more load at home and then we'll clean that place and be done (well, not really - we have to put everything away here too of course).